Having it All!

You'll often hear someone say this. Whether it's in conversation, or else in your favourite women's magazine. And they usually add, "and you too can have it all, all you have to do is ..........." The list is endless - you know the sort of thing. Lose weight. Do something with your hair. Why not have some liposuction? Botox, my dear, that's the answer. You shouldn't eat this particular food. You're not bringing your children up the right way. Do this, do that, and do everything we say, and then "you can have it all!"

Have you ever wondered whether these people know what they're saying? Or what they're telling us to do? And who are "they"? Have you ever met them? What gives "them" the right to tell us how to lead our lives, and what we do and how we do it?

Sub-consciously many of us have "listened" to these words that run around in our heads. We've agreed that we should do as "they" say, because then we WILL be accepted, we will be seen as being important or valuable, and we WILL have it all!

But do you truly believe that this is the answer? Why have we wasted time listening to propaganda that is based on untruths?

Let's start at the beginning. Most, if not all, the people who tell us what to do and how to live our lives are women. Right? Doesn't that strike you as strange? And when you think about it a little deeper, doesn't it make you wonder why women have this "thing" about telling other women where they're wrong? Are their own lives so perfect?

I'm one of many who foolishly "listened" to these apparent knowledgeable women, and journalists and features editors of women's magazines over the years, until ....... One day I realised that I'd probably had more experience than they had; I'd gained more knowledge on the same subjects that they tackled; and I'd learned how to cope and adapt to changing circumstances within my life, that they wouldn't even know about. And because of that I had insights and the ability to know what is best for me. Even to how I look, what I wear and what I eat.

What a discovery. From that day I've been able to read women's magazines and listen to women expounding on how everyone else should lead their lives, and wonder (and ask them when possible) have they successfully found contentment within themselves? Have they done everything they've been told to do by others? Have they not been true to themselves, but allowed others to manipulate them into being and living as someone who they are not?

The lesson for me was this. As a child I sought education. I used that education in the pursuit of knowledge. With the gaining of knowledge and experience, I can share with other women. I will not tell them that I what I know and what I have learned are the answers for them. But I can assure them that in sharing what I do know, I am allowing them the opportunity of searching for answers for themselves.

For we need to be the captains of our own ships. Women today, especially younger ones, have higher education and career opportunities than women of 50 years ago. Women in many areas of society are treated equally and expect to be independent including financially secure. But there are still many who are held back by the thought that they are not seen as being "equal" or "accepted" by other women.

I'm told that women have never had it so good. Why do I complain? Why don't I just sit still and accept the fact that things are as good as they'll get? I'll tell you why. Because women aren't getting as good as they deserve. Not at all. And unfortunately our worst enemies are more often than not, other women.

Why should we believe we're asking for more than we deserve? Surely every one of us deserves to be treated with utmost respect and courtesy, from everyone we come in contact with.

"Having it All" is a little too ambitious; it's probably impossible. Having "enough" is more to the point. Because then you're not striving to get more than you need, which in turn could make you pompous and arrogant. And anyway, "having it all" means that there's nothing to aim for, no goals to set, no dreams to be fulfilled. How boring!

Have some of us lost our confidence?

Most teenagers/young women of today appear to have an over abundance of confidence. They will take up all sorts of pursuits and set what seem to a lot of us, impossible goals. In fact sometimes it seems as though younger women race towards their goals without much thought as to what they will do should they fall flat on their faces. It's not unusual to hear young women say that they never give failure a thought. Their attitude at times seems to be over-confident. The majority of us however encourage them.

That's not to say that women at all times have not set themselves goals that are achievable as well as those which required their persistence and dedication in achieving, even when it meant sacrificing a lot of things. For instance, many women have forsaken marriage and/or starting a family for years, in order to attain a "career". That career may bring with it great rewards - financial and psychological.

Women have made incredible strides in becoming more independent over the past thirty years. Of course there have always been women who have been pioneers and liberated and have overcome great obstacles to be educated and acknowledged as top of their profession - i.e. doctors, bankers, scientists, lawyers, corporate managers, politicians. But too often reaching these heights has "cost" them in more ways than one.

In the pursuit of "equality" in the workplace, women have had to prove themselves not only as good as but but better than in too many ways. Unfortunately when this has occurred the weight of public opinion has been against them for wanting to prove their superiority! Too often from other women.

And in the journey, women themselves have overlooked the sacrifices that women in earlier decades have made. When talking with young women in their 20s and 30s, it comes as a great surprise to them to learn that thirty years ago:

(a) women who were employed by the Public Service had their employment terminated when they married (the official policy of the day). Even in private enterprise, asking for a "raise" in their wages was unheard of. There was no such thing as Work-Choices, or collective bargaining.

(b) women who had babies did not have social welfare payments - there was no such thing. Other than "child endowment" which amounted to a few shillings (or dollars) bringing up a baby (or babies) was seen to be the sole duty of a mother. If the women was not married or if the father refused to marry her, most times she had to rely on her mother or other relations to help in bringing up the child/children.

(c) there were no creches or daycare centres available to the majority of women. There were no kindergartens as such. Occasionally a woman in the same suburb would open her home to looking after three or four children, for a fee. One had to trust their baby sometimes to a complete stranger, hoping that that baby was being looked after. Supervision was left entirely in the hands of the person looking after the children, and there were no audits by government bodies or legislation to cover the safety and health aspect.

(d) women were NOT allowed to join superannuation funds. It was unheard of, and if a woman had the audacity to request her inclusion, she would have been laughed at.

(d) women were NOT permitted to take out bank loans. In fact as far as banking and financial aspects of a woman's life, she had to have a "male" sponsor or guarantor willing to stand for her. If she had no husband, then it was very difficult to find anyone who would stand guarantor.

(e) women did not own their own homes therefore - based on (d) above. Women did not own their own motor vehicles. Very seldom indeed did women own property.

(f) women were considered to be chattels of their husband. They had very few rights - in the home, or the workplace.

(g) most employment opportunities were in factories - processing, manufacturing, the car industry, backyard sewing rooms etc; shop assistants - mostly shops such as grocers, greengrocers, fish and chip shops, very seldom "higher" grade retail positions such as a salesgirl in Myer or David Jones; theatre girls selling programmes; hair dressers, etc.

(h) it was very seldom that a woman initiated a divorce. To do so was to place herself in an extremely vulnerable position and public scrutiny. She was usually seen as being the guilty one regardless of the reason for the divorc. She would have to prove her need to rely on social welfare - which was a pittance, and she underwent repeated investigations into her private life as it related to her private income. That private income was usually zero. She could very easily fall through the gaps of social interest and concern, and become destitute.

When young women and older women have the opportunity to share this sort of information, it is very surprising to observe the way younger women view what they hear. Too often it is utter disbelief. Sometimes it is seen as an exaggeration. Seldom is it seen as being the truth, and therefore not often is a special understanding arrived at, of what women in general, but particularly their mothers and grandmothers, have gone without and fought for.

So it's not surprising in having to realise that women as they grow older lose a lot of confidence. They've always had to struggle against the tide, but they seek and need support and empathy from younger women, not only for personal and physical encouragement, but moreso for moral support.

In many cultures this moral support is part of the cultural makeup of women within that society. In the western world this need is sometimes neglected to such an extent that it doesn't exist.

The 21st Century woman encompasses a diverse and incredibly valuable circle of intelligence, information and experience. The more we share that with each other, the more confidence we each shall possess.

Introduction

As a motivational speaker and "encourager", I'm always on the look-out for likeminded women, who see the need to surround other women who have low (or no) self-esteem, with lots of positiveness and optimism. That's not to say everyone should go around with a big happy smile on their face, even when their lives are breaking apart, pretending that everything's OK. We have to be sensible and realise that it's a part of life having to go through experiences that will uplift us, and others that will drag us down to depths of despair. But it's what we "do" with the highs and lows that is important. Not only to us but to those around us.

In today's society there is a lot of controversy, hipocrasy and discrimination as it relates to looks, age, size and shape. That discrimination then translates into non-acceptance of a person's race, their education, and their beliefs.

This is when basic common sense and good manners get lost in the overflow of antagonism and hostility, from one person to another. In other words things get out of control. The person on the receiving end finds there's no let-up in the stings and barbs, and the perpetrator becomes immune to any understanding of how the other person feels.

Things become more and more confused and complicated. And there's no real reason why life should be this way.

It's usually women, and quite often family members and friends, who belittle other women because they "look" different, by way of looks, shapes and sizes. Why is it so? Why can't we all get on with one another; sharing accomplishments and hurdles with smiles, added offers of encouragement and just "being there" for each other?

Why do we feel threatened by other women? Either by personal achievement; more beautiful looks and figures; or just an inability to "see" another woman as being a friend rather than a foe?